Here’s a special holiday musical production by Buddy the Mischievous Pug dedicated to anyone who has stopped by this website and subscribed, read an article, watched a video, left a comment, shared a post, or thought to themselves, “This Perez guy is a moron.” If you got anything (good or bad) from our humble little website, then this video is for you…
Happy Holidays!
You can watch Buddy’s Christmas 2011 video HERE.
OK, I have a confession. I’ve been a bad doggy owner. When I first got my pug Buddy almost four years ago (as a Christmas gift for my daughter), I was informed by a friend of a friend of the original owner that Buddy had gotten all his vaccination shots. I told the friend of a friend of Buddy’s original owner to get me a copy of the form so if the Doggy Police ever showed up at my door threatening to pee on my leg unless I produce a record of Buddy’s vaccination history, I’d be straight. The friend of a friend of Buddy’s original owner said, “No problem. I got this.” Cool.
I see the friend of a friend of Buddy’s original owner a week later and ask him if he was able to get the forms. “Not yet but don’t worry, I got this.” Cool. Same thing happens a week later. “Not yet but I got this.” OK, not so cool. Let me just make a long story short. I forget all about the friend of a friend of Buddy’s original owner and when I finally see him again several months later, he tells me Buddy’s original owner has moved to North Carolina. No vaccination papers? No problem. Why would anyone lie about that? Buddy’s good.
Almost four years later and we suddenly realize that we’ve never taken Buddy for a check-up. No shots. Nothing. Moreover, we really don’t know if Buddy ever got his shots in the first place. But Buddy’s been as healthy as a dog can be (with the exception of a three day run of diarrhea after he decided to snack on the toxic fibers of a floor mat and the time he started violently frothing at the mouth after accidentally swallowing one of my wife’s Prednisone pills). But we decided it was finally time to take him in for a checkup.
So we all hop in the car and drive over to Banfield Pet Hospital in our local PetSmart…
Ready to roll.
Ah, nothing like my doggy hairs blowing in the wind.
Weeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Uh-oh, we’re here.
If you gotta go see the doctor to get shots, always bring somebody along who’ll feel sorry for you afterwards (gets you extra treats!)
Alright, let’s just get this over with.
The Pawn
We’re directed to the doctor’s office and a few minutes later, a young man wearing scrubs walks in. He asks us why we’re here and we tell him Buddy’s story (or lack thereof). He quickly pulls out a trifold pamphlet, opens it up in front of us and asks us to select one of the three Optimum Wellness Plans for Buddy. The choices are a $311.40, $419.40, or $515.40 plan (with convenient monthly payments) plus a one-time membership fee of $69.95(!) I ask the guy, “What ever happened to just getting a dang rabies shot?”
He tells me that because we’re not sure if Buddy ever got his shots that he’s gonna need more than just a rabies shot; he’s gonna need several booster vaccinations. “Booster vaccinations?” Yeah, booster vaccinations (which he explains are additional doses after the initial dose). He assures me this would ensure effective vaccination. “But what ever happened to just getting a dang rabies shot?”
Scare Tactics
He gives us a few minutes to think about it and walks out of the office. A few minutes later, he comes back with the veterinarian; a young blond-haired woman with a pleasant smile and a friendly Southern accent. After introducing herself, her smile suddenly disappears and she begins to describe to us all the horrible diseases that dogs are at risk for. She then warns us of the unbearable suffering that Buddy would undergo were he to be afflicted with any of the aforementioned diseases and the costly treatments that would have to be administered to save Buddy from an agonizing death. She then lists all the horrible diseases that can be transferred to Buddy from mosquitoes, rabbits, squirrels (and other rodents), contaminated water, birds, cats, reptiles, and even other dogs (along with the unbearable suffering, costly treatments and/or agonizing death that might ensue).
Finally, she lists all the horrible afflictions that Buddy, if infected, could (gasp!) pass on to us: diarrhea, fever, stomach pain, rabies, lyme disease, uncontrollable barking, kidney failure (Lions, and tigers, and bears! Oh, my!). After a dramatic pause, her smile returns and she asks which of the three plans I’d be interested in so that they can proceed with Buddy’s care and avoid all the unnecessary suffering, costly treatments, and/or agonizing deaths that could possibly befall us all. I see right through her scare tactics, “Well, thank you for trying to scare the living heartworm out of us AND for making us realize how much it sucks to be a dog AND how hazardous it is to own a dog; but what ever happened to just getting a dang rabies shot?”
The Kid Gloves Come Off
The veterinarian looks right at me for about five seconds without saying a word. She then looks at my daughter who’s sitting down holding Buddy’s leash. She then looks back at me, her smile no longer visible. She pauses for another five seconds before asking the question she knows is gonna screw me, “Mr. Perez, don’t you love your dog?” My daughter looks up at me, her eyes eager for an answer. I resist the urge to explain to the veterinarian that I like Buddy (a lot) and if he were to get sick, suffer, and die an agonizing death it would really bother me (a lot) but that I wasn’t expecting to pay $311.40, $419.40, or $515.40 plus a one-time membership fee of $69.95 for him to get his dang shots!
I look over at my daughter who’s still looking up at me. I remember holding her on the day she was born. I remember her looking up at me with her crusty eyes. I swore I’d be able to pick her out from among a thousand other babies; that’s how beautiful she was. She’s looking up at me again now. She doesn’t say a word but her eyes do all the talking for her, “You do love Buddy, don’t you dad?” I turn to the crafty veterinarian and with a voice barely above a whisper, I reply, “OK, I’ll take the $300 package.”
I look back at my daughter and she’s smiling that beautiful smile of hers. Her daddy has a heart after all. I look back at the veterinarian, the smile has returned to her face. My shoulders slump. I feel like I just got sold a pair of skinny jeans by a shrewd JC Penny salesperson (“Your wife is gonna love you in these!”). Well played, young blond-haired veterinarian with the friendly Southern accent. Well played.
I’m quite the specimen, aren’t I?
When one person sticks a couple of needles in your ass while another person has you in a headlock, it’s not a good day.
Yeah, my ass is hurting.
Smell ya later. I’m out.
I wonder how many treats I’ll get when I get home…
There’s no place like home.
Now, about those treats…
Little Girls Own Their Dads
In the end, I’m glad we finally got Buddy his vaccinations (though, after almost four years of good health, I get the feeling that now his hair will start turning purple and he’ll start growing a fifth leg). After all, he is part of the family now. He don’t do a hell of a lot besides lie on his doggy bed all day and it takes him about half a mile of walking before he can find a spot suitable to poop on and he still pees on his leg every now and then but he’s my little girl’s dog. She loves her Buddy and Buddy loves anyone who rubs his tummy and feeds him doggy treats.
Ultimately, it all came down to one simple fact. A fact that the blond-haired veterinarian with the friendly Southern accent knew very well. Daddys love their little girls. And that’s certainly worth $311.40 plus the one-time membership fee of $69.95.
Right?
Subscribe in a reader and never miss a new post. You won’t be sorry…promise.
As a pug, I live a pretty good life. The so-called master of the house, a tall, dorky-looking fellow, treats me well enough. He takes me outside every day so I can do my “doggie business”, gets me my food and fresh water, and doesn’t bother me too much other than shoo me away when I’m gnawing on my doggie bone on one of his shoes (it appears I have a tendency to slobber just a bit when I do that). He’s no Cesar Millan but overall I guess I can do a lot worse than him for a master.
Not long ago, I strolled into the kitchen while he was making himself a sliced turkey sandwich. Now, I usually get a doggie treat every now and then if I do something cool like sit, stay, come when I’m called, or give up my paw (you humans impress way too easily). I rarely, however, get any of the food that my master and his family eat except when it accidentally falls on the floor and I run and snatch it up. This turkey smelled damn good, though (tomatoes, red peppers, a hint of cumin; Southwestern flavor, perhaps?). A dog gets tired of the same dry dog food all the time; is it too much to ask to get some fresh meat every now and then?
So I sit down at my master’s feet and look up at him with the most adorably pathetic face I can muster. It ain’t hard (it’s something us pugs are born with) and I’m hoping my master will feel sorry for me enough to toss me a slice of turkey. My master looks down at me and asks, “You wanna slice of this, Buddy?” He dangles a piece of sliced turkey a few feet above me. I perk my ears up, open my eyes a little wider, give the tail a good wag, send him all the right signals [Yes! I want some of that!]. After looking down at me for a few seconds, he pulls the slice of turkey back, chuckles, and says, “You probably couldn’t handle that.” The bastard. I give him dirty looks the rest of the day and avoid the powerful urge to pee in one of his sneakers.
A few days later, I hear my master rustling in the refrigerator again. I head over to the kitchen and see he’s making himself another turkey sandwich. Now, unlike most humans, us dogs have very little dignity so I figure, what the hell have I got to lose? I get into position again seated near his feet and look up at him with my adorable pug face. He looks down on me again and asks, “Are you here for another piece of turkey, Buddy?” [No, dumbass. I’m here because I was getting tired of napping on my ridiculously comfortable memory foam doggie bed!]. He dangles a piece of sliced turkey just above my head again. I give him all the right signals: ears are pointed up, eyes wide, tail wagging. He lowers the slice of turkey to my mouth and says. “OK, here you go, but don’t get used to it.” The turkey is as good as I thought it would be (definitely Southwestern flavored). He doesn’t notice it, but I’m smiling.
Since then, every time I hear my master rustling in the refrigerator, I head on over there and give him “the look”. I don’t always get what I’m after but every now and then he tosses me a slice of turkey; or a chunk of last night’s grilled chicken, a piece of ham, even a doggy treat. I don’t always get something but if I just show up, there’s a chance I just might. And when I do get something, I forget about all the other times I didn’t (us dogs have a pretty crappy memory anyway).
Lesson learned? If you lie around on your doggie bed scratching yourself all day, nobody’s gonna bring you a damn thing. But if you just show up where the action is and give off the right signals – hell, you never know.
Are you showing up? Woof!
EDITOR’S NOTE: Buddy is a mischievous pug who calls South Florida home. He enjoys napping, eating, peeing, pooping, drinking out of puddles, lying in the grass, and napping some more. His master is rumored to be award-winning filmmaker Dan Perez.
People love watching videos and are much more inclined to listen to your message if the video is entertaining. So for my latest e-video, I wanted to come back strong after taking a few months off. Keep the entertainment factor high while sneaking in some well-placed (but still shameless) self-promotion. I mean, if I didn’t at least try to let everyone know what a wonderfully creative video production company we are, what good would it be? Right?
With the recent string of successful South Florida film screenings of my award-winning Miami hip-hop documentary film “P.A.T.H.“, I decided to write a “rap” and “kick it” to my viewers. That is until my 12-year-old daughter Miranda took me to school with the help of Miami hip-hop artist Brimstone127. Here’s what went down:
When Ethan Bortnick’s younger brother Nathan had to undergo heart surgery at Miami Children’s Hospital just months after being born, Ethan took to the piano and has become a child prodigy at the age of 7! Oh, by the way, you might have seen him on the Tonight Show, Good Morning America and Oprah.
Miami Children’s Hospital Foundation wanted to tell this amazing story with a video that would help create awareness and generate funds for Miami Children’s Hospital, provide valuable information to potential patients and be entertaining at the same time! Well, Ethan took care of the entertaining and as for little Nathan, he’s doing just fine as you can see here. . .