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life

The Secret to a Successful Marriage? The Answer will Surprise You

by Dan Perez August 25, 2014

I’ve been holding back on writing this post since I originally got the idea to write it when my wife and I celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary back in April. We posted a picture on facebook of us just kicking back at home and I spoke about what I thought the “secret” to our marriage was. It ended up generating quite a few responses. I’ve wanted to elaborate a bit on that but I’ve held back because I didn’t want to sound like some schmuck giving out marriage advice.

I’ve always found it absurd for one married couple to give marriage advice to another married couple. People are different; where they come from, what they’re motivated by, who they look up to, who/what they’re influenced by, etc. What might work well for one couple may not for another.

Marriage advice? Keep it to yourself, please.

Now, here’s our story.

When I started my video production business 7+ years ago, my first gigs (like most videographers starting out) were weddings. Shot a few of them for my company and also shot many a wedding for other event companies and my favorite part of the wedding reception were the wedding toasts. You know, the part where the best man and maid of honor gush over what an “amazing” couple the bride and groom are, how they were just made for each other, how enviable their love for one another is.

Oh, and then the parents (if they’re both still married) and grandparents (if they’re both still alive) grab the mic and share their marriage “secrets” with the young couple; “Always listen to each other”, “Say ‘I love you’ to each other every single day”, “Never ever go to bed mad at each other” and my personal favorite, “Remember, kids, a successful marriage is hard work!” I love that one but more on that later. Now back to me and Mrs. Perez.

As of 2014, Mrs. Perez and I have been married 16 years. 16 really good years. Oh, and we didn’t exactly get off to a smooth start. My daughter was already 6 months old when we decided to get married (mostly pressure from our families), I was making barely $25k/year working in sales at a small catering business in the Bronx, my wife (who was on disability for a kidney transplant she received 7 years prior) wasn’t working and we ended up having to move into her parent’s house on Long Island after we tied the knot because I couldn’t afford a place of our own. As for the honeymoon? All I could afford was a weekend stay in chilly Montauk, New York, at Daunt’s Albatross Motel (which is still there today).

Then things really got interesting.

My wife’s transplanted kidney failed a few months after we got married (less than a year after my daughter was born). She would go on to spend the next nine years on dialysis. During that time, however, my career began to blossom and I landed a rather nice paying job as a sales manager in a large family entertainment center on Long Island. We were able to buy our first house (I loved that house) but after three years at my sweet but highly stressful job, I ended up on the losing end of a power struggle and was fired.

Hello, monster.com

After a few months of searching, I received a comparable job offer from a multi-acre family entertainment center in South Florida so we ended up selling our house (did I mention how much I loved that house?) and relocating to Fort Lauderdale from New York, leaving our families and friends behind.

Florida. Yeah, I know.

Less than a year later, Mrs. Perez was diagnosed with a large aneurysm in her heart and had to have her aortic valve replaced back in New York (thanks, Dr. Oz!). My wife then received her second kidney transplant (a few years after her heart surgery) right at the same time I decided to start a video production company. A hobby will always just be a hobby unless you take action, right? Right.

Oh, and then the rising real estate market in South Florida suddenly tanked; the home equity we were hoping to hold us over vanished. We ended up burning through our finances and all our savings. And just last summer, my wife’s aortic valve had to be replaced yet again in New York’s Presbyterian Hospital.

Sounds like a Alejandro González Iñárritu movie, no?

But here’s the thing, we got through all that. Our marriage stronger, our family stronger. And it could have easily gone the other way. Health issues, relocation, plummeting finances – these sort of challenges have left many a failed marriage in their wake.

So how did we do it? What was our secret? Dumb luck.

The right two people got married, that’s all. We didn’t know it then but we sure as shit know it now. And that’s not to say we’ve made it the whole way through yet – we’ve come a ways but we’re nowhere near the finish line; there are more challenges to come. We both know that.

And as for the whole “marriage is hard work” thing? Rubbish. It ain’t that marriage is hard, it’s that life starts to really suck right around the time we get married (early-late twenties). You know, right around the time we’re trying to pay off our college loans while working our asses off climbing up the corporate ladder (or trying to launch our own business) so that we can make more money so that we can buy a nice big house with a nice car in the driveway in a really nice neighborhood and buy really cool shit at Ikea and send our kids to private school.

That’s usually the time when you get stuck with an overworked asshole of a boss (or you find out that you suck as the boss of that business you started that was gonna allow you to retire at the age of 42) and your 3-year plan to save up for a house turns into 7 years living in an apartment and your first kid is born with autism and your wife now has to quit her job to be a full-time mom and your finances take a hit and the nice house with the nice car in that nice neighborhood and all that cool shit you were gonna buy at Ikea seems like a stupid dream now.

Let’s just say our lives become more complicated right around the time most of us get married, yes?

Life makes us work.

With that said, I don’t feel I’ve ever worked a day in my life on my marriage. Life can really suck ass sometimes but my marriage is where I go to escape that. It’s where I find solace, peace, happiness. Are we really expected to punch out at our “job” (which a majority of people hate) and then punch in again to work when we get home to our spouse?

I don’t think so.

You’ll hear people say about their jobs that when you love what you do, it isn’t work. Shouldn’t marriage be the same thing? It is in this house. Why? Because I married the right person. And it wasn’t because I was smart – just lucky.

And here’s the really stupid part about the whole thing: nobody knows it on the day they get married. The day before life starts to show you how malicious it can be. The day before your wife’s kidney fails and she has to go on dialysis for the next nine years, the day before you get fired from your job, have to move to another state (Florida!), have to watch your wife get the aortic valve of her heart replaced twice, start a business, lose your whole life’s savings…

And I know this is gonna sound as corny as hell but besides the few days my wife was still too groggy from the heavy dose of anesthesia she received from her surgeries, I can’t remember a single day where we didn’t laugh together. Not one.

There’s no marriage secret for that, that’s just dumb luck.

Through it all, we’ve seen our daughter grow to be a beautifully cynical young lady (daddy’s girl, God help her), seen my wife receive a perfect match of a kidney after her doctors just about ruled out any possibility of that ever happening (seven years since her transplant and still going strong), seen my business grow each of the past seven years, even winning a few film festival awards along the way, all the while realizing that long stays in the hospital and not having money couldn’t break us…

And did I mention we’ve laughed every single day?

Dumb luck. That’s the secret to a successful marriage. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

*crosses fingers*

Like us on facebook and you’ll make us really happy; we’re not sure why, though, but studies have shown that people who like our facebook page are 37% cooler than people who don’t…

August 25, 2014

Blog It Is Written The Written Word

If Today Was Their Last Day: A True Story

by Dan Perez December 8, 2013

written by Dan Perez

***I published this post three years ago during the holiday season. I look back on it every now and then and it still resonates with me; still serves to remind me that even though tomorrow is highly likely, it still isn’t guaranteed – for you or someone close to you. With the holidays and the new year upon us, I decided to share it again.***

IF TODAY WAS THEIR LAST DAY

You often hear the saying, “Live each day as if it’s your last“. It sounds like quite an exciting way to live one’s life, yes? I’m a believer, however, that living each and every day in such a manner would surely burn you out by around day 46. Why the need for such urgency? I mean, less than 1% of the world’s population dies each day so the percentages that you’ll live to see tomorrow are heavily in your favor. You never know, though, do you? Now, imagine if it wasn’t your last day but *their* last day? Another person in your life; a friend, family member, spouse, loved one. What if someone you cared for wasn’t going to wake up tomorrow morning and neither one of you knew it?

Oh, and they were spending their last night with you?

THE LAST DAY

Victor was a fellow videographer who I met at a local professional videographers association meeting. We hit it off well from the beginning and over time had become good friends. I hired him for several of my own video productions, even bringing him with me up to Orlando one time for an overnight video shoot. You can learn a lot from a person when you spend over 6 hours with them in a car. What I liked best about him was his professionalism and easy-going style. He was the kind of guy you liked within a few minutes, he radiated health and positive energy and was always smiling. You don’t meet too many people like that.

Several months had gone by without us speaking (for no particular reason) until one day I found myself videotaping an afternoon wedding with a photographer who I knew was also friends with Victor. Near the end of the shoot, I asked him if he had seen or spoken with Victor lately. He paused and looked at me quizzically for a second before he said,
“You haven’t heard?”
Heard what?
“Victor had a heart attack.”
A heart attack?!
“Yeah.”
Did he die?
“No, he’s doing OK. He’s staying with his sister in Miami.”
Oh.

I called Victor as soon as I got to my car. He told me he had survived what doctors call a “Widow Maker” heart attack. He said he had felt a sudden pain in his chest and checked himself into the nearest hospital. That’s when the heart attack occurred. “My doctor told me I’m lucky to be alive” he said. “Most people don’t survive those kinds of heart attacks.” He went on to say that he was feeling good and was staying at his sister’s house in downtown Miami while he recovered.

The next month, I arranged with Victor to stop by his sister’s house and visit him as my wife and I were driving back home from a holiday party we were attending in Miami. We arrived at his sister’s house a little after 9pm. Victor was glad to see me and it was good to see him. He looked amazingly well – you’d never know that he had survived a lethal heart attack just a few months earlier. He introduced my wife and I to his sister and her teenage son and daughter – they all made us feel very welcome. To our surprise, the sister had prepared a meal for us so we all sat down to eat together.

Over the next two hours, we ate, drank wine, talked and laughed – a lot. It was as if we were all old friends. It was a shame to have to leave but we promised our daughter’s sitter that we’d be home no later than midnight. Before leaving, we shared a couple more laughs and then it was time for farewell hugs. As we got into our car and pulled away, we saw Victor and his sister waving to us from the front of the house. Victor had a huge grin on his face.

It was the last time I would see him alive.

THE DAY AFTER THE LAST DAY

Late the next morning, I called Victor’s cell phone to thank him and his sister for their hospitality. It wasn’t his voice I heard when the phone was answered but rather the voice of his nephew. I asked if Victor was around. There was an unusually long pause on the other end of the line before I heard, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this but…Victor died in his sleep last night.” My blood suddenly ran cold. Surely this was some sort of joke. “When we went to his room this morning, we found him dead in his bed.” All the saliva in my mouth seemed to have dried up and I was barely able to muster, “He died? How could that be?” Now, this was a person who was eating, drinking, and laughing with us just the night before. Dead? The nephew went on to tell me, “The paramedics said he must have had another heart attack in his sleep. He didn’t survive this one.”

After regaining my senses somewhat, I expressed how shocked I was to hear the news and clumsily began offering my condolences. The nephew then told me, “You know, it’s the weirdest thing. Last night was the happiest he’s been since he had the heart attack. I’d never seen him in such a good mood. He never plays video games but after you guys left, he played video games with us until three in the morning. He was so happy that you guys had come over.” I was speechless.

Needless to say, my wife was visibly shaken and stunned when I told her what had happened. Even the news about how happy he had been after we had left did little to raise her spirits, or mine; what had happened was just too weird. Later that week, we were on our way to Victor’s funeral. When we arrived, I sought out Victor’s sister. Upon seeing my wife and I, she rushed over to us with tears in her eyes. As we embraced, she began to tell us how happy our visit had made Victor, how he hadn’t been in such a good mood in months. In a strange way, it began to make my wife and I feel good that with no knowledge of what the future would hold, we had helped make another human being’s last night on Earth a special one.

THEIR LAST DAY?

Victor died at forty years old. He had no wife or children. I was far from his best friend but at the funeral I met many of his friends and loved ones that surely wished they had seen him once more before he passed. Which brings me back to that overused phrase: “Live each day as if it’s your last”. We hear it often enough but only a very rare few can actually live their lives that way. It’s too damn hard to squeeze every possible sliver of life out of every single day, right?

But what if we spun it around a bit so that it applied not to us but to our family and friends; our loved ones? That we live each day as if it might be *their* last? That we cherish the time spent with those we love – that we make sure we find a reason to laugh together and that when we say goodbye, there’s nothing left unsaid. That we put aside petty differences and say, “I forgive you” and “I’m sorry”. That we not take the special people in our life for granted but rather, we let them know that we’re thankful for them, that we love them.

Because they may not wake up the next morning.

[Photographs by Ric Capucho]

December 8, 2013

Featured

Why We Can’t All Just Get Along (And Why It’s OK)

by Dan Perez October 14, 2012

written by Dan Perez

Can’t we all just get along? That would be nice, yes? Everybody just smiling and waving at each other with nary an ill word spoken. Everybody having civil discussions about politics, abortion, and immigration. Yankees and Red Sox fans shaking hands as they leave Fenway Park after a game, “Nice game. Better luck next time!” Unfortunately, we’ll never know how nice (or how totally lame) that would actually be. Why? Because it just isn’t the way human beings are wired, that’s why.

Wasn’t the essence of human nature made abundantly clear from the very beginning of creation? Eve throwing Adam under the bus before God, Cain killing his brother Abel in a fit of jealousy, and God telling Noah to build an ark because he was gonna “make it rain up in here” and flush the whole of humanity down his almighty toilet bowl? And this is just book one of the Old Testament(!). Yet the blog posts wanting everyone to just shut up and play nice keep coming. Why?

Allow me to introduce into evidence a recent post by marketing strategist Geoff Livingston, “It’s Not OK“, an apparent lamentation on the state of “nice” on the social space. Livingston includes in his post a link to an observation in the Wall Street Journal called “Why We Are So Rude Online” which is based on a study of 541 facebook users by professors at Columbia University and the University of Pittsburgh. 541. The soon-to-be-published study shows that browsing facebook lowers your self-control AND makes you more likely to choose a chocolate-chip cookie than a granola bar as a snack. Seriously.

Based on the aforementioned study, Livingston writes: “So now we know the medium is toxic. Does that give us license to behave poorly?”

Now, one man’s “poorly” is another man’s “awesome” but I get what his interpretation is here – not being nice. Now, on this point I actually disagree AND agree somewhat. I’ll explain…

Sigmund Freud, known as the founding father of psychoanalysis, elaborating on his observations on the essence of human nature, concluded that, “the deepest essence of human nature, which are similar in all men and which aim at the satisfaction of certain needs [are] self-preservation, aggression, need for love, and the impulse to attain pleasure and avoid pain.” It’s hard to argue with Freud’s conclusion. These needs drive our behavior in the “real world” AND online.

Growing up in the Bronx, I witnessed the good, the bad, and the ugly in people; from those who just wanted to buy the world a Coke to those who wanted to smash your face in with the very same Coke bottle and laugh while you bled. Unfortunately, for many inner-city kids going to public schools in my era, the “Anti-Bullying” movement wasn’t the big sensation it is today. I saw a lot of kids pay for that, even myself at times.

People aren’t always nice. But when I consider why, I recall Stephen Covey’s story from his best-selling book “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” about the man who became irritated on a subway train by another passenger’s indifference to his kids as they ran amok in the car. “Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn’t control them a little more?” The indifferent father replied, ‘Oh, you’re right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don’t know what to think, and I guess they don’t know how to handle it either.’

Human nature can be a bitch sometimes, yes? Accept it or get off the train.

We never know which of Freud’s human needs are at play when we encounter “toxic” engagement, online or off. Many of the bullies in my playground were abused themselves at home; were treated with indifference and scorn; came from households where drugs and/or alcohol dictated behavior. As I grew older, my hatred for those that bullied me was replaced with sympathy for the cause of their rage and frustration.

Similarly, we should allow a measure of understanding for those who’s online behavior can be described as adverse. Perhaps, the source of their online “venom” comes from their inability to forgive past offenses or abuse directed at them or their loved ones. Maybe their parents raised them to despise Hispanics, gays, or Republicans. Perhaps they’ve seen their wife lose a painful battle with cancer, or had their brother taken away by a drunk driver, or lost their home to foreclosure, or had to endure their newborn child never making it out of the NICU.

There are many reasons why people want to piss on the rest of the world. These reasons aren’t always clear to us; nor, in many cases, are they even justifiable. But they have to be accepted. Moreover, people can also be very passionate about their beliefs (“Stand up for what you believe in!”, right?) and are often unable to taper their fiery passion for what they believe in when confronted with another person with contrary views (Obama vs Romney, anyone?).

To wish impossible things (that we can actually all just get along with each other) is foolish; the world will never live as one (sorry, John). But what we can do is accept that there are many different human needs that drive human beings to behave like they do; and all the blog posts and twitter chats and folk songs sung around a big ol’ bonfire ain’t gonna change that.

Accept it or get off the train.

Now, I don’t know Mr. Livingston personally but it appears he’s also publicly confronting his own past history of “toxic” online engagement and its consequences: “Leaving a trail of human wreckage behind me, all because of an inflated sense of self online doesn’t cut the mustard. I can’t live with that. It’s not OK.”

Consequences. The great equalizer.

Growing up in the Bronx, I also learned that there are sometimes consequences for those that run their mouths too much; for those that happen to talk smack about the wrong person; get in the wrong person’s face. Consequences. Beware of whom you speak of lest that person find you and put their foot up your ass. You go from running your mouth one day to having your jaw wired shut the next. Sometimes you take a busted jaw and consider yourself lucky. Lesson learned. Others weren’t so lucky.

Now, back to Mr. Livingston’s conclusion on the medium: Is it really toxic? It certainly can be. Does it give us license to behave poorly? License, no. The means, yes. In the online world, it’s easy to run your little fingers over the keyboard and say whatever you want to whomever you want in whatever way you want. It’s unlikely that somebody living in New Mexico is gonna hop a plane to London with the intention of tracking down the person who left a nasty comment on his blog post and whupping his ass.

Consequences are a reality on the street. Unfortunately, not so much online. That’s a shame. Especially in the case of those who refuse to identify themselves online; who run their hateful social mouths behind the anonymity of a fake name and profile pic. These people are cowards and not only should they be ignored but felt sorry for.

Ultimately, the fact that social media brings together all types of people with all types of personalities, views and opinions from all over the world should be celebrated – not lamented. If you don’t like the shit someone’s shoveling, ignore them or give it back as good as you’re getting it. If you wanna talk smack online, be ready to deal with whatever consequences may come.

I mean, if everybody was supposed to just get along, there would never have been any wars, any bloodshed in the name of religion, politics, or even sports. One peek into the history books should offer a sobering reminder that human beings tend to not always agree with each other. That doesn’t mean the world is a bad place; heck, even I believe that most people are generally good. It just makes it all the more sweeter when you find people with like minds.

Accept it or get off the train.

“This is a choice, and everyone is free to have the conversations they want.” writes Livingston. Indeed they do.

It would do us all good to remember that.

[Photographs by Sofia Ajram]

October 14, 2012

Blog The Written Word

5 Badass Women Bloggers You Should Be Following (Part Deux)

by Dan Perez April 1, 2012

written by Dan Perez

Last Fall, I wrote a post titled 5 Badass Women Bloggers You Should Be Following based on my discoveries as I journeyed down the rabbit hole (more on that later). Now, admit it: most of the blog posts we come across on our social media streams end up sucking monkey nuts. You know it and I know it. Like many of you, I once had nothing but lame social media blogs listed on my google reader (“They” told me these were the blogs that mattered). And like many of you, I usually found myself asking, “Why the hell am I subscribed to this stupid blog?” And like many of you, I was living in “The Blogging Matrix”, floating by in a sorry state of blog ignorance; a slave to the blogging elite (the evil gatekeepers!).

Then I discovered Captain Smack, popped a red pill, jumped head first down the rabbit hole and began acid tripping on blogging badassery. My eyes were open. I was free. I ran outside, tore off my shirt, looked up to the sky (it was raining), raised my hands to the heavens (just like Andy Dufresne did after crawling through 500 yards of prison shit and piss in “The Shawshank Redemption”) and yelled, “Free at last; free at last; thank God almighty I’m free at last!”

Then I went back inside, dried myself off and made myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Oh, and I haven’t looked back since. So free your mind and check out these 5 badass bloggers:

Abby Has Issues is where writer Abby Heugel documents her brilliant insights (whilst wearing yoga pants and running mental marathons). Admittedly, she started blogging as a way to write for enjoyment and not just employment. She confesses, however, that if she could somehow blog for employment, she would experience more enjoyment. In other words, she can be bought. Capiche?

Oh, and she’s also an author of a book of essays also called Abby Has Issues. Now, with all the lame books being written by folks who just want to land lame speaking gigs at lame conferences, do yourself a favor and buy her book (yeah, I own a copy and paid for it myself). Her observations on every day life are hilarious and the dang thing costs only $10 ($2.99 on Kindle!). Need more persuasion? Check out I Smell and I Don’t Have Kids, So I Brag About Pets. Nuff said?

Flourish in Progress is the blogging home of Elizabeth Jayne Liu, a former single teen mom who spent her 20’s mothering, loving, drinking, crying, partying, yelling, working, sighing, pacing, moving, scrimping, saving, shopping and dancing. Now a happily married stay-at-home mom who enjoys watching reruns of “Little House on the Prairie” and listening to Gangsta Rap, she started blogging to chronicle her 30th Birthday Project. Check out her Monday Dares section of her blog then check out what’s a good substitute for swearing? drugs. and crotch calamity…then tell me she ain’t badass. I dare you.

Good Day, Regular People is where Alexandra Rosas Schultze, an overanalyzing, oversensitive, overwhelmed mother of three boys living life in a small town where she finds herself like a fish out of water, writes. Suffering from severe self scrutinization brought about by an “interesting” childhood, Alexandra claims her blog saves her life. Everyday. “I spend my life wishing I would say what I was thinking”, she says. “With my blog, I can say it.” And she says it with humor as evidenced by posts like When Someone You Love Has A Blog and Just When I Was Beginning To Like You. So pay the empress a visit…because you can’t use your friends as therapists forever.

It Builds Character is a collection of parents writing not necessarily about what they know best, but at least what is immediately in front of them on a daily basis. They understand that parenting has a steep learning curve but is a heck of a lot more fun with other parents with whom you can laugh, celebrate, or commiserate. The good news about this blog, other than posts like The Worst Things About Parenting, No. 17: Nutshots and 10 Things That Changed When They Showed Up is that the many contributors to the site also have their own blogs you can investigate. This should keep you busy until my next Badass Blogger Post.

Just Making Convo is the blogging home of writer Becky Cardwell. She’s a ‘Mommy Blogger’ who doesn’t have any kids. When asked why she would call herself a ‘Mommy Blogger’, she replied, “Don’t you think that’s being a little racist? If women can vote and watch sports and make sandwiches and stuff, why can’t we have mommy blogs even though we don’t ever plan on compromising our barren yet extremely resilient wombs?” She also claims to be a not-for-profit Scientist, specializing in Anti-Social Experiments. I say she’s just a badass blogger who’s ‘Published Convo‘ alone would send most blogs scurrying back to the rock they crawled out from under. And when you consider posts like How To Help Your Dog Lose Weight and The Black Hole (one word: Colposcopy!), you’re not gonna care that she doesn’t have a real job.

So there you have it, 5 more badass bloggers to enrich not only your blog reading experience but your life in general. Consider your eyes opened. Now go…and sin no more.

Know any badass bloggers I may have missed? Speak up.

Subscribe in a reader and never miss a new post. You won’t be sorry…promise.

April 1, 2012