Have you seen the Proctor and Gamble “Thank you, Mom” TV commercial? “The hardest job in the world, is the best job in the world.” Moms. They get all the credit don’t they? You’ll never see a commercial like that for us dads. We don’t get the same credit the moms get, but we quietly do our fair share.
The P&G TV ad shows the sacrifices moms make for their children to realize their dreams and the reward in seeing them accomplish those dreams. Parents (moms and dads) make many sacrifices for their kids. They give up their time, money, and resources all for the kids. In many cases, they put their own careers on hold (sometimes abandoning them completely) and even their dreams. The stuff parents do, yes?
Unfortunately, and unlike in the P&G TV commercial, in many cases those sacrifices don’t pay off. Our kids don’t always go on to make the Olympic team and win a gold medal. Sometimes they drop out of school, or they fall victim to drug addiction, or they end up in jail, or pregnant at 16 years old, or they just end up lazy, unmotivated. The promise we once saw in them, the wide-eyed enthusiasm they once possessed, the reason we invested our time, money, and energy…all gone. For all our extraordinary sacrifices, we run the risk of seeing them live a rather ordinary life.
Of course, in other cases, there is great reward in seeing our children succeed because of those little (and not so little) sacrifices we made for them. It makes “the hardest job in the world” that much easier. It makes those dreams and passions we sometimes have to stash away for the sake of our children’s dreams and passions seem easier to forget. A parent can only wish their investment in their children’s lives will one day be paid back with interest. Ah, but dividends are not always guaranteed. It’s one of the sobering realities of life.
But what about us parents? Our careers? Our dreams? How much do we give up? Heck, how much should we give up?
Sometimes opportunities present themselves to us parents that are too hard to ignore. A huge promotion at our work, a great job opportunity in another state, maybe we realize a great talent we never thought we had, we see an opportunity to pursue a newfound passion, or even start a new business…
Oh, but what about the kids?
That might mean less time to spend with them, less nights reading them a bedtime story, less dinners with the family, less time cheering them on during their soccer games.
Yeah, it might mean all those things. So what are we supposed to do about it?
Of course, the textbook answer is to always put the kids (the family) first. But that can sometimes suck for the person who decides to settle for second (or third, or fourth) place, can’t it? It can suck a whole lot.
And, more often than not, it’s us dads who have to make those decisions.
Life can really suck sometimes – even when great opportunities arise. Sometimes we’re confronted with that awkward moment where we as parents find ourselves thinking about ourselves first. We’re torn between what WE want to do and what’s best for THEM. Unfortunately, life doesn’t slow down for us while we watch our kids grow up and put our own opportunities, passions and dreams on the backburner. Sometimes life wants an answer NOW – not after our kids have grown up and gone to college and made the Olympic team and won a gold medal. Now.
Dividends are not guaranteed.
There’s a reason why so many books are written about “life balance”. It’s so dang easy to read about it but so dang hard to actually do. If only life provided us with a mystical scale, like the magic mirror on the wall that the queen gets in “Snow White”, where we can see just how much of “us” and “them” are in balance.
Perhaps, it’s because men don’t get to carry their kids inside their bellies for nine months; we don’t get to develop that magical bond that mothers make with their children before they’re even born. If we did, perhaps these types of decisions wouldn’t be so damn hard. Unfortunately, we’re left to decide for ourselves…and we go back and forth between what we want and how much we should leave for everyone else.
It’s OK to be selfish every now and then, right? I mean, it’s human nature, isn’t it? Even if you’re a dad? Sure it is. You just gotta be ready to deal with the consequences and try not to kick yourself too hard for not having a crystal ball to see the future. Oh, and try not to celebrate too hard when you get it right.
The English philosopher, Francis Bacon, wrote: “He that hath wife and children hath given hostages to fortune, for they are impediments to great enterprises, either of virtue or mischief.” Mr. Bacon must have been having a really shitty day when he wrote this but he wasn’t that far off from the truth.
Fathers don’t get the same recognition that mothers get. Period. Yet, we often have to make the really tough decisions; the ones that can make or break a family. So, for all the fathers out there trying to maintain that impossible balance despite being saddled with these great and wonderful hostages to fortune…
Happy Father’s Day.
[Photograph by Mattia Merlo]
17 comments
Great post, as usual, Dan.
Of course I’m not a parent. I also don’t have a father that I celebrate in any way, shape or form. However, I celebrate those who have had a positive impact on my life and those who continue to do things right for their families. You are one of those people, and while you are a husband and a father, you are also a man. And human. You have your own needs that don’t disappear with a wedding vow or the birth of a child.
It’s not selfish to take your own needs into consideration–it’s self-care–and at the end of the day, everything you do is for a greater cause. It’s not for the credit or for selfish reasons. It’s for that balance and the intrinsic rewards we all seek. Your family is lucky to have you 😉
Ah, those danged personal needs don’t seem to go away – even when we become parents. It’s simple human nature. When Dan Perez is happy, so are Mrs. Perez and our daughter Miranda.
I’ve always believed that a happy family stems from happy individuals. Hopefully, my daughter remembers that when she has her own family.
Always nice to see you here 🙂
Dan every so often I agree with you. This is one of them. Tough decisions are made by both parents – some families just seem to have one or the other parent – the one who does all the heavy lifting.
Yet, we are not suppose to absorb the same things from our Dads we do our mothers, geeezz if we were why have both?
My appreciation for my Dad comes out as an entrepreneur when I have to make hard choices and stand in my male energy to generate the action needed to grow the business.
Funny thing that surfaced for me reading this…as much as there is no guarantee for parents to have that dividend manifest, neither is there for children to receive a dividend from having parents. Yeah that one can be hard to swallow for both sides.
What can we do Dan? I choose to be grateful even for the shitty things I experienced with my Dad – that lesson still allowed me to be a better person from the lesson he chose to produce right in front of my face.
Parenting can be so very difficult. Lots of tough decisions to make, so many things to consider. I try to make it clear to my daughter that she has to carry her own load so that we can all do what we all need to do to keep the machine going forward.
I guess we can learn from the good AND the bad, yes?
Life is always a balancing act, but once we become parents, we do have an obligation to “balance” in favor of parenting!
I’ll tell you something, Dan…I find that the ones who say fathers are not as important as mothers are the ones who grew up WITH ONE.
I grew up without a father and words can never tell you the ache I felt every day, at not having that figurehead, that guardian of the castle, that man who had my back,,,absent in my life.
Good point. My dad passed away over 20 years ago. He’s missed every day.
Sending a hug 🙂
Hey, Dan,
I’m a mom of 9 and hope you don’t mind me giving a mom’s point of view!
I don’t think it’s selfish to be you, totally you. It’s as vital to the health and stability of your family as a steady income!!That’s the gift you give to your children. Children need to understand that they join a family…the family doesn’t join them. It has taken me 26 years of parenting to understand this concept.
I stopped dancing when I couldn’t justify time away from my babies (I felt bad asking for help). Years later I’m so sad still. I miss that part of me. But more importantly, my children deserved to enjoy that part of me.
We all have to work to provide the basics for our families. Circumstances can change where we live and how much time we get to spend with our families. But WE should be true to ourselves in the “off” times.
Do our families see us as real people with real interests? How do they know I miss dancing? When my children grow up will they have had a good role model of the good kind of selfishness that taught them to continually nurture who they were born to be amidst the responsibilities that vie for their attention as well?
The things that really break up families, if you were to ask me, is unhappy parents. It’s not changing schools, jobs, poverty, illness, or any other crisis. It’s a parent’s ability or lack thereof to be a leader and to show how to live a life. ‘Cause guess what? Children don’t ask us to make the sacrifices for them. We make them because we think that they are the right things to do.
(I do much better explaining in person than in writing!)
I just believe with my whole heart that we are all a bit messed up with the roles of parents and children. We are their parents for a reason. And if we don’t find a way to be who we are, interests, talents, and all, we are really not being who we were meant to be for our children. And our children will grow up to do the same.
There’s a reason I have a love of reading, writing, dancing, drawing, gardening, etc. I watched parents and grandparents do those things. I watched them live their lives. It wasn’t all about me!
Okay. I’ll stop talking! LOL!
You make an excellent point. Even though we’re parents, we shouldn’t stop pursuing our own dreams and passions and hope our kids do the same, yes?
Thanks for your comment 🙂
I really think we have children, in large part, to fill a variety of our own needs – the challenge is that these needs change over a lifetime. The greatest gift we give our children is being vibrant, alive and productive – so I suppose I’d validate that if “that’s” what you call being selfish – then I’m it in spades and I encourage parents (mother or father) to be committed to creating a life that they love.
I also think that there is character development in being on demand and dominated by another’s needs – parenting is a great place to get that part of ourselves exercised.
Appreciate your post about this – I am not a father but I can tell you that I appreciate even the tiniest moments when someone has felt fatherly even to me – what I consider the more idealistic fatherly ones, that is. I watch my kid miss his Dad in a way he will never miss me – he has a different relationship with him – processes their conversations in a unique way. I think it’s less about mom or dad and more about the person who is in a parenting role –
That said, I continue to be astounded at the role a father can play in a child’s life – lastly, I think we have to be straight with our kids about the so-called “pay-off” – get our own agenda out of the space – and ask for a level of accountability that ultimately translates to a responsible citizen sharing the planet with others.
I like the whole “exorcism” angle of your comment. So true.
Thanks for the great comment 🙂
Where many parents fall into a trap, yours truly included, is the all or nothing approach. If we give any less to our children we feel guilty as though we’re cheating them of the full breadth of our time and love. In respect to balance, I gave my own 2 cents here http://cutemonster.com/2011/02/fatherhood-life-balance/ Comments welcome of course. As a whole, parents need to live and not subordinate themselves or a resentment will fester that can be consuming. That great Mom or Dad one’s strives to be will be replaced by a hollow tired shell over time. That’s no way to live. Balance is key and that can only be determined from family to family and parent to parent. Thanks for your viewpoint Dan.
Resentment can destroy a family. “He not busy being born is busy dying”, even us parents. I wouldn’t want my daughter thinking that having kids means your life has to stop.
Thanks for the comment 🙂
How interesting that we’ve beenon the same brain wave about this. I agree though, fathers don’t get enough credit. I was just telling my husband on Saturday that he humps his ass off working 6 days a week, and yet, he never even so muhch as gets afishing trip out of th edeal.
Let the man fish already, will ya? 🙂
More often than not, it’s DADS that make the sacrifice? What country do you live in, where dads drop what they are doing to stay home with the kids or quietly make sure the house is clean and dinner is on the table while the wife has the leisure for professional development or emerges from the weekend refreshed, not exhausted? I’d like to move there.
Amy,
I never used the word “sacrifice” – I used “decisions”. And yes, dads usually have to make the tough decisions (usually based on career which could mean longer work hours, longer commute, moving the family to another state/country, using family savings to start a new business, etc).
Now, before you grab your pitchfork and storm the castle, I said “in most cases”. Surely there are families where the mom is the primary bread winner.
That’s what I meant and I’m sticking to it.
Thanks for the comment…